Shame is a really interesting emotion. It allows us to self regulate our behaviour and fit into society by upholding pre-agreed standards. It comes from our need to be accepted by the tribe in order to survive.
Is shame good or bad?
Firstly, uncomfortable feelings can be useful – we wont enjoy the consequences of running around the streets naked, so it’s good that there is something deep inside of us that tells us this is a bad idea!
But like all emotions, that feeling of shame can very quickly get out of hand, becoming distorted and causing unnecessary self doubt. People think that shame will help us to change and get rid of antisocial habits and behaviours. In my experience that is rarely true. As a result we may learn to conform, but deep down those needs will fester, unmet or met in secrecy – leading of course to more shame.
This morning I watched a really interesting facebook live from the amazing comedian Sofie Hagen (you can check Sofie out here). Sofie and her followers shared examples of the shame they feel as adults. It sounded similar to the stories I hear from my clients regularly. Some held onto shame from mistakes made in childhood, some felt shamed for decisions made in their adult lives. That shame might be associated with being fat, or chronically ill. Maybe it’s a perception of what it means to be single, or childless, if they stay at home or become a working mum. Some felt shame simply for wanting a life that is different to their family and friends’.
So am I stuck with my feelings of shame?
Absolutely not! I am here to tell you that you do NOT need to live with these feelings. You can learn to let go of past events or hurts, accept who you are, and use positive emotions to bring about change where it is wanted.
Although it might feel really hard right now, with the right support anything is possible. If you’d like to learn more get in touch at laura@futureyoutherapies.com or read about how you can work with me here.
Love
Laura x